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[personal profile] pokerface
Having just gone through a divorce, I find myself faced with all sorts of decisions to make.
Where do I want to live? Do I even want to stay at my current job? When and how do I want to approach dating? How do I feel about all these options?

I feel overwhelmed. I'm parenting a wonderful but challenging little boy who misses his daddy like crazy. I'm overseeing a house that I can't afford to live in and trying to sell it as the sole representative. I'm working full time at a job that keeps dumping more and more responsibility in my lap and am not being compensated for it. I'm dating two men, one that treats me great but has issues and the other who doesn't treat me the greatest but has attitudes similar to mine with regard to life.

I have struggled with depression for a long time. I was abused growing up, from the age of 3 to the age of 16 when I finally fought back. Most of it was emotional and mental, but there was sporadic physical abuse as well. My mother didn't know about a lot of it, I can't imagine she would have let it happen had she known. I'd like to think that anyway. I always wanted a dad but my own signed off on me when I was around 7 and the stepdad adopted me legally but then just kept on cutting me down. I don't know what I ever did to him to make him hate me so much. He never treated his sons even remotely close to how bad he treated me, so he must have hated me. During this period I stayed in my bedroom most of the time, reading books and doing anything to stay away from him. I have always felt awkward because of it, and I am not able to hold healthy relationships as an adult because of it. No matter how much someone might care about me, I always just believe that they don't. If my own parents didn't, who were supposed to nurture and care for me for all those years, then why would someone else who is not family care about me? I developed anorexia around the age of 12 because I was not dealing well with the pressure from him at home and then the normal things that pre-teens and teenagers go through just added to it. It felt good to be in control. I walked a couple of miles a day, at least one because I had to walk a half mile to the bus and back again. I enjoyed watching my bones emerge. I dreamed of the day that I was too weak to get out of bed and then maybe someone would really know what he'd been doing to be all that time. I confessed to my mother one day while we were washing up some dishes that I was suicidal. I don't think she wanted to believe me. She had lost her own father to suicide, unbeknownst to me. She did nothing about my admission.
Thankfully as I neared the end of high school I realized there was a light at the end of the tunnel and I started getting better. He was berating me one day while I was loading the dishwasher and I had a steak knife in my hand. I finally just blew up at him and held the knife out, telling him to leave me be. His eyes got big and he walked away. I felt in my mind at that point that it was him or me. I didn't care.

Fast forward many years and cycles of being down to yesterday. I hit a wall. I had no particular trigger, it was just like a curtain fell and I've been out of it ever since. I even tried going shopping today to see if maybe some badly needed new clothes would help, but no dice.

Symptoms: tired all the time, waking and not knowing where I am, short on patience, body aches, irritability, some loss of concentration, distracted

I am chronicling this for myself since I cannot see a counselor right now. I am already paying for my son to go.

I am going to break it off with Danny and now that I've made the decision I am not dealing with it well. I know it is right but he was a great source of comfort for me and I don't know how I will replace that. I feel like a failure and am going to prescribe myself some time alone to deal with how I feel about both Mike and Danny. Life is much simpler without them in it, but they also make me feel good. I can no longer use food as a comfort tool, so I need to figure out something else that helps and fills that need. I also need to figure out how to keep myself motivated to continue to go to work. I know there is a way I can funnel this energy into something positive. There HAS to be a way to work it out.



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